Dealing with Disappointment

Flipping through my planner I noticed over and over the words, "CANCELLED."  Since March of 2020 there have been alot of things that have been cancelled-public events, school sessions, commencement exercises, vacations,  church services and other meetings and people have expressed their disappointment.  For some the loss of jobs, financial impact, fear and uncertainty of what the future holds has led to the feeling of disappointment for so many. 

 

What actually is disappointment?  Webster's dictionary defines disappointment as feeling sad, unhappy or displeased because something was not as good as expected or because something you hoped for or expected did not happen. Simply put...

Disappointment is when our current reality does not meet our expectations.

We expected something to be one way but that is not our present reality.  You expected to experience your senior year of high school or walk during your college commencement, but the recent quarantine prevented it and you feel that you have missed out on that rite of passage.  You expected to be married by now but your are still single.  You expected to have children but have been unable to conceive.  You expected a fulfilling marriage but that is not your current reality.  You had certain expectations of what your child would be like but now he/she is wayward.  You never expected to loose your job, suffer from that disease, be left alone etc but that is the reality in which you find yourself and you are sad, unhappy or displeased.  Your current reality does not meet your expectations and you are disappointed.

Recently I was studying Genesis 29:31-30:15, and realized that Jacob's wives,  Leah and Rachel give us insight into how we often handle disappointment.  Before jumping into this lets review the context of these verses.  Jacob fled his home for fear that his bother Esau, from whom he had stolen his father's blessing  was going to kill him.  He soon arrives at the home of his uncle Laban and beholds Laban's lovely daughter Rachel.  He is absolutely smitten with her and agrees to work for Laban for 7 years for her hand in marriage.  ( I know all the marrying the first cousin stuff  is a bit creepy-but stay with me here!!) After 7 years the love struck Jacob demands the wages for his years of labor, Rachel.  The marriage is arranged and the celebration begins, but before Jacob goes in to the tent to consummate his marriage with Rachel,  Laban pulls a switch and sends Leah, his oldest daughter into the tent with Jacob instead.  

Now we don't know much about Leah prior to this except that the scripture describes her as having 'tender eyes.'  Now commentators differ on what this means-she couldn't see very well, her eyes were crossed or they just lacked the fire often found in a young woman.  Whatever the case this is in contrast to the 'shapely and beautiful' description of her sister Rachel.   Needless to say the next morning when Jacob awakes and finds Leah there he runs out of his tent and asked Laban, "What have you done to me."   Now I don't know about you, but I would think that response could be devastating to  a new bride.  Her reality was likely not matching up to her expectations!!

To make matters worse on poor Leah, Jacob makes an agreement with her father to work for 7 more years in the future in return for Rachel.  Jacob, however will only have to finish out the rest of the week's wedding celebration with Leah and then he can marry his love.  Can you imagine how disappointed Leah was?  She didn't even have time to try to win his affections prior to being thrown into the Bermuda Triangle of marriages.  Genesis 29:30 says that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah and verse 31 says that she was 'unloved.'  (Interestingly, this is the same word in Hebrew that is used to describe the hatred of Joseph's brothers toward him in Genesis 37:4.)  

 

We soon see that because Leah is unloved God begins to bless her with children, but Rachel is barren.  Each woman's  current reality did not meet her expectation.  Leah expected to be loved by her husband but  her reality was that she was unloved.  Rachel expected to have children but her reality she was barren. 

Let's look at how each dealt with disappointment and evaluate how we react when our current reality does not meet our expectations.

We can  develop a distorted perspective of our value or worth

As Leah began to have children, her comments after she names each give us insight into her struggling relationship with her husband and her struggle with her value. 

          Ruben:  "The Lord has SEEN my affliction, surely my husband will love me now."

          Simeon: "The Lord has HEARD that I am unloved and has given me this son also."

          Levi: "At last, my husband will become ATTACHED to me because I have borne 3 sons."

Her desires were the same as all of us.  We want to be seen, heard and we want to experience meaningful relationships.  When those don't happen we often experience disappointment and they can play a role in how we see ourselves.  

Leah had a heart breaking perspective on who she was.  She had a tragic way of measuring her value because she was looking to her husband to fulfill these expectations and give her worth. With each new birth she looked to Jacob and hoped he would see her,  connect with her or say something to make her feel valued or loved.  

We often find ourselves looking to the wrong people to answer our questions of worth and value.  We choose relationships out of an unhealthy heart because we are looking for another human to fill that need in us.  But, God is the God of transformation and new beginnings.  When the fourth son came along something had changed in Leah.

          Judah: "This time I will praise the Lord."

This time was different for Leah because sometime between child three and four she went from someone crying out for connection to someone to declaring the faithfulness of God.  She may have never experienced that connection here on earth with her husband, but I think she realized that she was seen by God-she was heard by God and she was connected and valued by her Father in heaven.  

You and I will never experience true fulfillment by trying to gain others love and acceptance, but we can find our value and worth in who God says we are.  We can find that not in the opinions of others, but in His perfect and unfailing love. 

Perhaps this does not describe how you react to disappointment.  Maybe you will see your reaction in that of Rachel.

You throw a party!!!! A PITY PARTY for one!

Rachel was loved but her disappointment in her inability to have children was nearly unbearable to her.  In Gen 30:1 we see Rachel blame her husband from withholding children from her and then as my grandmother would say, "Threw herself a fit!"  

She was forced deal with a a problem she didn't create and then add insult to injury she had to see others have what she desired most.  Remaining childless in a culture that placed a premium on children caused her to fall into self pity.  

Self pity is our sinful and selfish response when our reality doesn't line up with our expectation.  It is a subtle sin for us.  We often don't recognize it right away because we feel justified to indulge ourselves after the injustice we have suffered.    Not only is self pity a subtle sin, but it has also been termed as a "feeder sin."   Feeder sins cause us to comfort ourselves with some type of sinful indulgence.  We may indulge ourselves with gossip, slander, substance abuse, binge on some type of entertainment etc.  

We can find help in combating self pity when we ask God for help (Luke 11:9) .  He may not change your situation, but He can certainly change your perspective in it.  He can give you the strength to be content in your current situation (Phil 4:12-13).

Perhaps you are not prone to self pity!! Good for you, but if you are a person who likes to be in control...

You may attempt to manipulate the situation.

Leah and Rachel both attempted to manipulate their situation by giving their servants to Jacob to bear children for them (Gen 30:3-4).  Are we guilty of manipulation.  I am afraid the desire to control has often led me to manipulate people, situations and even attempt to manipulate God.  

God is in control of every aspect of our life even when we feel that the our current reality is not fair and certainly not desired.  Even when it seems that He is silent or inactive, He is NOT. 

In conclusion, I am thankful that my Savior, the Bridegroom of the church, loves me perfectly, sacrificed His very life to have a relationship with me.   He hears me.  He sees me and I never have to compete for His love.  When we go through seasons of great difficulty we can't allow these circumstances to shake us from God's plan- no matter how long the season.

I was reminded this week that in those difficult times our circumstances might not change but our perspective within them can.  Don't resist God's will and miss an opportunity for a blessing in those midst of those times.